There is a science when it comes to adult attachment styles in romantic relationships. Exploring this can help strengthen bonds and identify some of your romantic behavioural patterns.

DECODING BEHAVIOUR IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS

The adult attachment theory consists of the secure, anxious, and avoidant attachment styles often bred by upbringing and past experiences. These styles impact the perception and reception of romantic gestures that either strengthen or weaken the connection with your partner. Understanding your attachment style allows you to understand and predict your own behaviour as well as others.

ABOUT ATTACHMENT THEORY

Establishing and maintaining close relationships are encoded in our DNA for survival. The attachment system is a biological mechanism that ensures social cohesion to help us survive, thrive and reproduce. In the book Attached by neuroscientist and psychiatrist Dr. Amir Levine, he explains relationship science known as “Attachment Theory.” This theory is constructed based on adult romantic attachment and behaviour.

Anxious Attachment: A preoccupation with the relationship as well as anxiety that surround their partner’s ability to love them back. These individuals will often refrain from making plans with family or friends because they want to be available in case their partner calls them. Individuals who are anxiously attached often have difficulty setting boundaries and have intense discomfort when it comes to being alone. There is often a fear of abandonment and a sense of being unworthy of love. Anxiously attached individuals will often pair up with avoidantly attached people and experience a constant state of distress, dismissal or invalidation.

Avoidant Attachment: This attachment style often equates romantic intimacy with a loss of independence and may attempt to minimize closeness. This will often develop when a caretaker does not show an appropriate amount of responsiveness. They will oftentimes have trouble committing to relationships and will tend to feel “smothered” by those who are anxiously attached. Avoidant individuals will often terminate relationships more regularly and two avoidantly attached individuals are not likely to generate a spark.

Secure Attachment: The good news is that attachment styles can be healed and individuals can move towards a secure attachment style. Secure romantic attachment consists of providing safety with the use of appropriate boundaries and empathy. They don’t fear being on their own and they manage to have intimate, meaningful and satisfying relationships.

Noteworthy: Oftentimes when an anxiously avoidant person meets a securely attached person, they may mistakenly believe that there is no spark or chemistry as their idea of chemistry is nervous system dysregulation and yearning for relationship safety. When someone provides a safe space for them right off the bat there is often confusion. Anxiously attached individuals feel comfortable with securely attached individuals as they often have the skills to soothe relationship anxiety and be attuned to the needs or behaviour origination of their partners.

WHAT IS PROTEST BEHAVIOUR?

Protest behaviour is any indirect action that is the result of big uncomfortable emotions. We attempt to draw attention to these emotions through passive or aggressive behaviour.  When it comes to the anxiously attached, protest behaviour would be displayed by excessive contact or hanging around places that their partner frequents. When it comes to being avoidantly attached, their protest behaviour consists of prioritizing their independence over their relationship, ignoring contact, and reappearing when it is convenient.

CODEPENDENCY AND ATTACHMENT

Oftentimes two individuals who are in a codependent relationship will not have a strong identity of who they are outside of their relationship and will often take on the thoughts and opinions of the other person. There could be an element of enabling negative behaviour, and there is often a one-sided dynamic within the social and romantic exchange.

ENMESHMENT

Enmeshment is an exchange within a familial or romantic setting where boundaries tend to be permeable or unclear. If one person becomes emotionally escalated, the other will too. Enmeshed children can often develop an avoidant attachment style.

HOW CAN WE HEAL OUR ATTACHMENT STYLE?

• Boundaries work.
• Effective and clear communication.
• Learning from a securely attached person.
• Self-regulation, distress tolerance, mindfulness and interpersonal skills (DBT modalities in psychotherapy).
• Recognizing signs and understanding attachment theory.
• Practicing emotional vulnerability with a safe person in a safe space.

By: Stef Wood M.A. R.P. (Qualifying)

If you would like to book with a licensed mental health professional in the province of Ontario who works with attachment styles click here

If you are in need of immediate assistance please present yourself at your local emergency room/crisis centre.

For assistance with inter-partner violence/ abuse please visit:

https://findahelpline.com/ca/on/topics/abuse-domestic-violence

References:

Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: the new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find–and keep–love. Penguin.